Are you afraid? Of being yourself, I mean.Of being 100% your authentic self?
I don’t know where the fear of everything stemmed from. All I know is that I was carrying it like a serpent coiled around my neck. Perhaps it stemmed from being overweight and bullied at school….
Perhaps it was being asked to dance at my matric farewell party only to later find out the guy who asked me had to do so as ‘punishment’ for losing a bet….
Maybe it’s all of these or maybe it’s none.
During my schooling years and being forced to share a learning space with hell-borns (classmates), I found I was constantly ridiculed for being me. At the time I loved having long hair and was blessed with tresses which swept the floor when open. Yes it was long, very long. Probably the longest hair in the province. But soon after entering highschool I found people calling me ‘gran’ saying that I was boring, old-fashioned, and in their words “fat”.
Oh highschool was painful. But thankfully that nightmare ended. It seemed as if being told I was flawed for being a certain way or doing something was becoming a theme.
During the years of 2008 to 2011, I dated my now very very EX. And his constant statement to me was that I was not good enough for him but seeing as how I would never be asked out, he did me a ‘favour’ and is being my boyfriend. Yes. Recalling those words now I realize it was pure, unadulterated, shit.
In the year 2012, I encountered a very strange work colleague, who despite being ten years my senior, attempted to get me fired because she feared I would steal her job. When her attempts failed, she made a point of saying “I was to happy”, and if ever I laughed, it was because I was laughing at her. I was asked by my manager to “tone down” my happiness levels because madam felt I was insulting her. In that moment I said, “No. I will not change who I am to pandy to someone else’s insecurity.”
From then to now, it has been a very long, tiring journey of self-discovery. I have learnt that sometimes all you need is a little bit of courage to change. Just a little bit of courage to say “No!”,to the mind games.
It was only in 2015 did I really get to know me, myself, and I. Who I was, what I liked and disliked and what level of tolerance to idiocy I had or rather didn’t have.
I am proud of who I am. Truly. I am not afraid of being myself, of being unique, and being outrageous. Yes, I am a work in progress but there is no one more proud of me than me.
I guess what I am trying to say is, we are all on our own journey. We each know and live through our struggles and with each passing day we become stronger and more capable. To those who are reading this today I want to say this to you; You are incredible. Whenever you feel you can’t do this anymore remember this, you are the only person who can do this, that is why you have been given this task, project, obstacle, or challenge. It won’t make sense right now but it will.
Love, light, and peace to all.
Images taken from Google search.