Losing a loved one is probably, the single, most difficult thing, we as humans have to endure in this lifetime.
Whether it is a child losing a parent or a parent losing a child, whether it is losing a sibling or friend, spouse, partner or even a pet, the pain one endures is life changing.
The last 2 and a half years since losing my beloved father has been a real roller coaster of emotions. As many who have read my posts will know that many are dedicated to my dad or speak of my feelings about his passing.
There are many things I’ve learnt along the way that I wish to share with others with the hope that others experiencing the same know they are not alone and that there is nothing wrong with them for feeling the way they do. Some of the things I’ve learnt (not exactly in this order) are:
1) The Grieving Process
The grieving process has no time limit. And just as every person is different, the time needed to accept the loss of a loved one is different with everyone. No one has a right to tell you to ‘get over it’ or that your recovery is taking to long. It is no one’s business how long you take.
2) Careless Words from unconscious People
Brace yourself! People are sometimes blunt or blaise in their words. I once had a relative tell me 10 days after losing my dad that ‘ I need to get over it’ and ‘I will forget’. This was decidely the stupidest, most idiotic statements I’ve ever heard!!! Who wants to forget a loved one???? To those who think you are offering kind words, please don’t. I beg you. Your silence will be more valued I guarantee it😡.
Depression…. an emotion I’ve become intimately acquainted with… It is important to understand that having sad ‘spells’ is normal. I have good days and then I have bad days. And then I have really bad days which sees me a crying wreck with sadness so intense it gives me physical pain. I doubt the sadness coupled with the realization that you will never see someone again is something that one can simply ‘get over’. For me, I feel people need their space to deal with these emotions as they come.
Going back to the point about space above… I feel it is important to give those grieving their space. I know many believe that one shouldn’t be alone at such a time and that is also true however one also needs to deal with their loss on a personal level. For me, this is what started my healing process. So for me I find it extremely important.
When the tears come,let them. Whether it’s one day, one week or even 20 years since your loved one has passed and you feel the need to cry, let it out. You don’t need to answer or justify your emotions to anyone.
I am a 29 year old woman yet now when I see children with their dads, I am overcome with jealousy. The thought ‘Why do they get to have their dad but I can’t be with mine?’, suffocates me. … But over the last 2 years I’ve come to understand this too, is normal. We all want to be happy and when that which made us happy is gone, seeing others have and enjoy that very thing (that is, in my case, the presence of my dad), we as humans can’t help but want that thing also. I’m not sure if this will pass though, I’m still learning.
7) Forgetting for a moment.
I have found that there have been more days than not, where I have forgotten that my dad is no longer with me. There are moments where I eagerly anticipate hearing his car pull into the driveway only to have realization slap me in the face like a ton of bricks. This feeling too, is normal. And honestly, it gives me a few moments of joy so I don’t mind thinking my loved one is still with me.
8) Be prepared for stupid questions and dumb statements..
Another dumb-ass statement that floated my way much to my dismay was, “you are quite old now. You had enough time with your dad. It shouldn’t affect you this much”… Me internally (please go away you idiotic cretin)… I didn’t realize love was based on age or that the older you got the less you loved your family😒…. age has nothing to do with depth of emotion (except maybe for children under 5). I’ve found that people make the strangest statements during a period of loss. Perhaps they are simply overwhelmed? I honestly do not know.
These are just a few things I’ve learnt thus far. 😲